Christmas List (part 1)

I can't believe it's year end already. Being kept busy really seems to make life short.Somehow I don't remember how the Christmas tree tradition started at home, but I guess any occasion that brings the family together is good.Last year I had a silver and blue tree, and the year before was probably the less adventurous red and gold.Sigh, end of the year, a time to reflect. All these Christmas carols really get to me, like "He knows if you've been bad or good..."

So here's my practical Christmas wishlist :

10. New shades

9. a 2009 organizer

8. a big basket of strawberries

7. Daniel Craig?

6. a friggin bluetooth handsfree that actually works

5. a new phone

4. manicure

3. a bucket of Baskin Robbins Butter Pecan

2. ipod

1. another Holiday

Here's the idealistic Christmas wishlist :
10. a radiant complexion sigh.

9. decent clients (dont even need to be good sigh)

8. a new work cubicle (noticed I said idealistic?)

7. a calorie-free day

6. my dog, Joey, could talk

5. no more stray cats and dogs

4. a quiet, uninterrupted Sunday

3. more than 24 hours in a day

2. For the first time I mean it, world peace

1. Turn back time

It's now 1am and I really wish I can turn back time, cos I'm so gonna trudge through the day when I drag my ass to work with my sleepy face right next to it cos my neck is so stiff Imma gonna snap it real soon just to put myself out of misery.

Ok enough of verbal diarrhea.

Bad Day

GOLDFINGER I DOWAN TO WORK ADY!!!!!

What a weekend it has been. For the first time in a long time, I almost didn't leave my house BOTH Saturday and Sunday. Oh, except to go get my car fixed, which is haaAARrrDdly counted as an outing.

Been procrastinating for the longest time now, since I heard Monto's house got burgled a few months back, and we finally installed the alarm system today. The ever ambitious mom also decided to sort out the storeroom into "organized mess" rather than just mess. So the day was full of cleaning, sweeping, mopping, running after the dog, and sneezing.

After such a strenuous day, how the heck was I gonna remember all the instructions the alarm guy attempted to teach me!

Everyone's anticipating a quiet week next week though, cos half the world's gone for the Raya holidays. Goldfinger has departed for her bonking trip to Japan, and the office is gonna be so awfully void of energy. Maybe I'll go mess up her plant just for fun.

Jee will be back this Wednesday, before we head off to Penang with the rockstar grandpa, who was so cute today - he called me to "hint" about going to the airport with me. Hmmm.

Someone's gonna be lonely this holiday though.....

Living with what you chose

For the last couple of weeks (or was it months?) now, I've been told all varieties of love-gone-wrong stories, some with good endings, some with bad, and some with none. It's always easy to draw conclusions when you are outside of the story, but it is also easy to believe just one side of the story.


I guess sometimes when we bother to take a step back, we would realize the absurdity of our actions, our words, and even the sordid existence of our relationships.


There was the story of the guy who was separated from his girlfriend because of distance. After a series of her engagement to someone else, and the breaking up thereafter, she comes crying back to him.


Then there was the girl who waited for the guy to come clean with his girlfriend. Much 'timing' excuses and emotional struggles later, she decides to walk away. And he comes back.


There was the girl who couldn't make up her mind if she wanted to stay with her boyfriend who just got back, or the guy whom she was seeing behind his back. After she broke off with boyfriend, the guy walks away.


Whether there was a right or a wrong, whether there was a gain or a lost, we all came out different from the person we were before. And when broken hearts heal, we would have long forgotten what it felt like to be left alone, sacrificed or given up on, only to have it happen all over again.



Everytime I hear someone else's sad story, I instinctively draw myself back to my wounded past. Of tearful nights, of unfruitful labour, of abandonment, of betrayal and worst of all, of eternal uncertainty.



I have made the choice to leave it all behind, close the chapter and forever walk away from the darkest moments of my life. And I pray that those whose stories I heard, will soon gather the courage to do so too.



It's been more than 3 years now, and as we witness yet another close friend's nuptials, I can't help but to smile, for I am far, far away from the sorrows that pounded on the walls of my heart.

Learning to keep my mouth shut

There's probably been a gazillion times where I said things too fast, said things I shouldn't have said, or simply blurted out very unsmart comments. And all of these times, I mentally pictured slapping myself on the cheeks for my moment of stupor.

Sigh.

Just like those times I told jokes that doesn't seem so funny anymore the moment they left my lips. Or COMPLETELY forgetting after attending a friend's father's funeral 3 weeks ago, then proceed to ask her if her father complains about her working hours. *slap slap slap*

Or the times I get so fused up because of a bad day or stupid people I meet along the way, that I start being a bloody tyrant in the office, screaming insults at imaginary people.

Or the time in front of a client, I made some indiscreet gay comment, having PRIOR knowledge about his sexual preference. Crap, I think I thought of a good comeback after that.

When I was younger, I would vehemently deny having ever said anything as foolish/inappropriate/dense/stupid/insensitive after having it slipped out of my big mouth only 2 seconds ago. Nope siree, not me loh.

NOW, aiyah forget it la. I have to realize that I am allowed to be stupid and inconsiderate. For the times that I'm aware of behaving stupidly and inconsiderate anyway.

But as they always say, and however unconvinced I am, SOMETIMES prevention is really better than cure. So instead of option 1) said something stupid, coverupcoverupcoverup, option 2) said something stupid, smile and admit being stupid .....

I should just learn to keep my mouth shut lor.

*Post written immediately after a booboo involving saying something stupid to my boss. Sorry Goldfinger.

Coming of age?

People say that your character and personality is shaped by the many phases of your life. Yet I sometimes feel that the phases of my life is being affected by my character and personality.

Why is life so deep? Eh wait, maybe it's just me.


In my Sunday random evaluation of life, I took a step back and tried to look at "me" from someone else's perspective. The harder I tried, the more predictable "me" is. Sigh.


If, really, the many phases of life is what made me ME, then this is where it gets confusing.

I think I grew up as a really shy kid. One who really, seriously, behaved. Not the ones who ran around like a loose monkey at parties. Not the ones who had disgusting food stains on their clothes. I was calm, collected, and quiet. Like Wednesday Addams.
Why was I like that? I think it was a kind of instilled fear of authority aka fierce mother.
And then as I grew up, and started to have a mind of my own, I somehow made up for all those years I was a quiet kid. Don't think I've stopped talking since then. School plays, debate teams, singing competitions and that infamous 'class monitor' position.
So I guess childhood has 'made' my teenage years.
When college days came, my parents thought it was inevitable that I take the path that every extrovert take. "Talk so much, be a lawyer la". The truth was, I loved to talk. But I hated the link that people placed on what I like to do with what I should be doing for the rest of my life. So I went to read law, but hated every moment of it.
So I guess my teenage years determined my career.
I'd seriously like to talk more about how tormented I was in college/uni, but then again, the mere thought that I'm over and far away from it now makes me feel like dropping on my knees to say thanks.
But ah well... so here I am now, a product of my childhood, teenage years and uni. Because I sloughed through my degree, I was determined not to practice as a lawyer. Because I was determined, I went on a penumbral career path.
Because, I am now here.

Love the job, hate everything else that comes with it.

Tomorrow is a half hour away, the beginning of yet another tedious affair at work.
And ME is here, because.

Why are you like that?

I wonder if I had enough rest this weekend.
I've been home most of yesterday and today.
And yet, I don't think my mind was at all peaceful.
As I watched you sleep, I start to wonder if this weekend is going to be the same for all the weekends in our lives.
I struggle to remember the last time we had a truly enjoyable weekend. Are we so comfortable with each other that time together doesn't mean anything anymore, or are we so busy with our lives that we don't enjoy each other's company anymore?
Where are we actually?
Still walking down the road, or at the end of the road?

I'm a Cross person

Yah well.

The first impression I usually give strangers is that I'm in a bad mood. They'd usually do very patronizing greetings, then try to steer clear of me as long as I don't break out into a smile.

Sometimes, just for the fun of it, I don't smile till they leave.

The fact is, I'm BORN looking like that. And at least I know that.

When I was younger, adults would always chide me and say "Cheer up, kiddo" or "Don't look so sad la". I'd just nod. If you happen to be one of those adults, let me tell you the truth : I WAS NOT SAD OK!

As I grew older, I began to think that maybe people think that way because I didn't smile enough. So I attempted to. Then people said I look mischievous, because I had a sinister smile.

People are so hard to please.

Now that I am much older, I gave up trying. And even adapted this "angry" thing into my personality. So I'm angry at work. Angry at home. Angry when driving. Angry when hungry. Angry when Streamyx lag so much my Maplestory character is crawling. Angry when it doesn't rain.

I'm so angry that I write nasty emails to people I deal with at work. I'm so angry that I blast the honk when people get in my way on the road. I'm so angry that I just am.

So Anger is now my middle name. Don't copy me la Tim. Simply anger anger all.

Now tell me, do I really look angry?

Most unsmiling picture ever.

Of Life and Death...

As the silhouette of the pink hospital looms at the road ahead, a wretch in my heart triggered a flood of memories in my mind. The smell of disinfectant, the white sheets that were sometimes smeared with dry blood, the green of the patient robes, and impending death waiting silently in the corridors.

I parked nearest to the entrance, all too familiar with place. Nothing much has changed.

The lift still smelled of putrid paint. As it chugs reluctantly up to level 9, I find myself trapped in time.

I remember coming here everyday. I remember turning and twisting in the armchair, tired from hours of sitting there. I remember pouring bland porridge into a plastic orange bowl. I remember pouring the same bowl of porridge into the trash bin. I remember the listless faces of doctors who couldn't do anything to help.

I remember.

I walked down the lonely corridors that wreaked of emptiness. As I pushed open the doors, I could hear machines bleeping away, ringing out the alarm that time was running out for the person to whom it was hooked to. I walked past hagged relatives, already surrendered to the day they dread most.

There he was, a shadow of his old self. His son, my cousin, fondly strokes his hair, and asked him to see who was there. I acknowledged him, and was reprimanded for showing up at such a late hour. A good sign that he is still very much alert.

As I turned to leave, I nodded at my cousin, a man with infinity patience, as he retired to the armchair for the night. I took a look around the whole ward. Yet I have no courage to look them all in the eye. My gaze finally fixed on a worn-out 80-year old man, whom I was told just tried to jump out the window in the afternoon. May peace be with you.

I suddenly felt that I could breathe easier as soon as I got out of the building. As I started the car, I took one last look at the hospital.

It was strange that I remember so much now, for I never seemed to have let his passing haunt me. Yet I dreamt of him, and had vivid recollections of his kind hand on my forehead soothing my fever.

I'm glad you're in a better place now Daddy. I'm sorry if we never got the chance to spend more time together. But it was the times we had that now made me who I am.

I will still miss you.

You can tell how old I am from the things I say

I'm at a spa. And I'm not happy. How can?About 3 years back, I discovered this spa when hunting for a Mother's Day-come-birthday gift for the mother. We could spend a whole day here, with a jacuzzi, sauna and steam bath, a massage, and best of all, free flow of food and beverages. And so it goes that this was a nice place to wind down and relax, sleep in disposable underwear and just..... lay motionless. I was very supportive of this place. The manager called me from time to time, and offered me packages for 20pax,and even invited me to their Open Day. Heck, we even had Carolyn's hen party here.




Sigh.So how did it come to this? Urbanization loh. As this place grew, more people started to come. In order to accommodate more people, the quality suffered. The service became bad. The place became noisy. Men from China checked out my huge glorious ass as I trudged around in my disposable underwear (under a dressing robe la). The food variety dwindled. And now it sucks to be here.
And why am I here? Because of that 20-pax package we bought la -.-
So I sulk here in this corner of a room, while I blog about my dissatisfaction with this place, still wearing that disposable underwear, still wearing THEIR dressing robe, lazing on THEIR sofa, while I contemplate, again this time of year, what to get the mother for her birthday.
Mind you, this is no ordinary mother. She's worked for so long that she is.. to be politically correct, "financially independent" and she can afford most things on her own. So many years as her daughter has taught me to STILL buy the ordinary stuff, but SELL it to her at a different angle. Hehe.
Jewellery? Perfume? Clothes? Bird's nest? Been there, done that. Then again, whatever I buy is still not going to beat what the sister is buying. And because the sister is buying that gift, I now find myself planning hard to save for a trip to Denmark. Sis, I only got three months to save wei... seiseisei.
I think for the mother's birthday, I buy dinner only la. Throw her a McD's birthday party or something. I can feel my wallet turning sour. It's starting to twist and wretch, fighting to keep a single sen from going out.
Whatever I initially saved to buy a new camera is now dumped into the "Send Marilyn to Denmark Fund", not to mention buying a new damn water filter for the house! Why why why am I paying super a lot of money to Indah Water and my water still has little green and brown monsters swimming in it? Are they the cause of my migraines? My sore throats? My dog's increased aggression towards rats?
I have so many things to think about.
So it'd be a pictureless blog for a while, while I figure out this money thing. Maybe it's time to start digging into my old photo collection...
Ok, time to get out of this place, before my disposable underwear disintegrates.

Eh.....

Oh my.... What do we have here??? o_O

It's my blog!!!