Why are you like that?

I wonder if I had enough rest this weekend.
I've been home most of yesterday and today.
And yet, I don't think my mind was at all peaceful.
As I watched you sleep, I start to wonder if this weekend is going to be the same for all the weekends in our lives.
I struggle to remember the last time we had a truly enjoyable weekend. Are we so comfortable with each other that time together doesn't mean anything anymore, or are we so busy with our lives that we don't enjoy each other's company anymore?
Where are we actually?
Still walking down the road, or at the end of the road?

I'm a Cross person

Yah well.

The first impression I usually give strangers is that I'm in a bad mood. They'd usually do very patronizing greetings, then try to steer clear of me as long as I don't break out into a smile.

Sometimes, just for the fun of it, I don't smile till they leave.

The fact is, I'm BORN looking like that. And at least I know that.

When I was younger, adults would always chide me and say "Cheer up, kiddo" or "Don't look so sad la". I'd just nod. If you happen to be one of those adults, let me tell you the truth : I WAS NOT SAD OK!

As I grew older, I began to think that maybe people think that way because I didn't smile enough. So I attempted to. Then people said I look mischievous, because I had a sinister smile.

People are so hard to please.

Now that I am much older, I gave up trying. And even adapted this "angry" thing into my personality. So I'm angry at work. Angry at home. Angry when driving. Angry when hungry. Angry when Streamyx lag so much my Maplestory character is crawling. Angry when it doesn't rain.

I'm so angry that I write nasty emails to people I deal with at work. I'm so angry that I blast the honk when people get in my way on the road. I'm so angry that I just am.

So Anger is now my middle name. Don't copy me la Tim. Simply anger anger all.

Now tell me, do I really look angry?

Most unsmiling picture ever.

Of Life and Death...

As the silhouette of the pink hospital looms at the road ahead, a wretch in my heart triggered a flood of memories in my mind. The smell of disinfectant, the white sheets that were sometimes smeared with dry blood, the green of the patient robes, and impending death waiting silently in the corridors.

I parked nearest to the entrance, all too familiar with place. Nothing much has changed.

The lift still smelled of putrid paint. As it chugs reluctantly up to level 9, I find myself trapped in time.

I remember coming here everyday. I remember turning and twisting in the armchair, tired from hours of sitting there. I remember pouring bland porridge into a plastic orange bowl. I remember pouring the same bowl of porridge into the trash bin. I remember the listless faces of doctors who couldn't do anything to help.

I remember.

I walked down the lonely corridors that wreaked of emptiness. As I pushed open the doors, I could hear machines bleeping away, ringing out the alarm that time was running out for the person to whom it was hooked to. I walked past hagged relatives, already surrendered to the day they dread most.

There he was, a shadow of his old self. His son, my cousin, fondly strokes his hair, and asked him to see who was there. I acknowledged him, and was reprimanded for showing up at such a late hour. A good sign that he is still very much alert.

As I turned to leave, I nodded at my cousin, a man with infinity patience, as he retired to the armchair for the night. I took a look around the whole ward. Yet I have no courage to look them all in the eye. My gaze finally fixed on a worn-out 80-year old man, whom I was told just tried to jump out the window in the afternoon. May peace be with you.

I suddenly felt that I could breathe easier as soon as I got out of the building. As I started the car, I took one last look at the hospital.

It was strange that I remember so much now, for I never seemed to have let his passing haunt me. Yet I dreamt of him, and had vivid recollections of his kind hand on my forehead soothing my fever.

I'm glad you're in a better place now Daddy. I'm sorry if we never got the chance to spend more time together. But it was the times we had that now made me who I am.

I will still miss you.